Kira

In 2014 my older brother committed suicide at 18. I was only 12-years-old at the time. I got told by the people around me that he had depression but I didn’t understand what that meant because I was so young. But that situation changed me forever. Ever since then I have been protective of the people that I love, always trying to help them, always trying to love them as much as I possibly could, always trying to solve their problems. Then, in semester 1 of grade 10, I started getting overwhelmed with school and everything that had been going on in my life at the time. I had numerous projects in my science class that were all due in just a few weeks, I was so behind in math class, I was eating crap food and gaining weight like no other, and I had a super clingy boyfriend who never left me alone and got upset when I tried to be alone. I began to feel like I was slowly losing control of my life. then, on Christmas Day in 2017 my grandma died suddenly. I was very close with my grandma and I took the death very hard. After that my mood just kept spiralling downwards along with my motivation. I stopped doing my homework and I cried almost every single day. I felt exhausted all the time. I broke up with my clingy boyfriend and ended up dating a boy who was even much worse than my previous. At that point I was so sick of looking at myself in the mirror so I stopped eating. I only ate one meal a day. And I walked everywhere, all the time, to try and lose as much weight as possible. Grade 11 came around and I kept getting more and more depressed and my anxiety was growing as well. I didn’t know how to cope with everything that I was going through and I became angry. I started lashing out at my parents because I thought that they were the problem. Then January of 2019 I basically ran away from my home and moved in with the boy I had been dating since the previous year, which was an awful decision. His dad was an alcoholic, and so was the boy, and they were both addicted to drugs. The apartment was TINY and they both lied about everything. His dad talked crap about me behind back. I felt claustrophobic because I couldn’t ever go anywhere, including just in the living room because his dad was a heavy smoker and I don’t like the smell of smoke, and because his dad always had people over who would hit on me and make me feel uncomfortable. And then I got pregnant. Which meant morning sickness. Which meant that I stopped going to school because I was so sick. Which meant that I got more and more depressed, and I ended up reaching the lowest that I had ever been in my life. I ended up dropping out of school because I wasn’t going and I couldn’t go back next year because my baby was due in November. I had lost all motivation and I never got out of bed. But I pushed through. I had a child living inside of me, so I started eating again, as much as I could with the morning sickness. My boyfriend's dad kicked us out because I wasn’t willing to give him anymore money to feed his addiction. I moved back in with my parents which was a much better option for me. I started to get happier and happier, and I noticed that every time my boyfriend came around my mood would plummet, and every time we talked we would fight. And then Ronan was born. and he became my whole world. And slowly and slowly I started realizing how awful my relationship was. He was lying to me, watching porn because I didn’t want to have sex with me, he was on drugs, drinking, wasting his money and his life away. Then one night he got mad at me over literally nothing, so I ended it with him. And it was HARD. Especially because he wasn’t a very nice person. He got mad, threatened me and my family, sent cops to my house. But I kept going! I pushed through! I knew that I was going to be okay, and I didn’t want anybody I knew suffering the way I did when my brother committed suicide, so I kept pushing. And now, I’m doing better than I ever was before. While I was still living with my boyfriend I created this account as a place where I could rant about how I was feeling without anybody judging me and knowing who I was. But it turned into a place where I wanted to help encourage other people so that I could help change somebody’s life and help them realize that they aren’t alone and that they can push through because everything will be okay. And i love this account. It has grown so much and I have met so many amazing people who love me and my posts. So it’s safe to say that everything will get better, and everything will be okay. You just have to be patient. - Kira, 18